If depression wasnt a horribly debilitating state to be in, would it just be considered dukkha (dissatisfaction), the general malaise that seems to be the fault of human existence. Depression has always been something that has intrigued as much as tormented me for most of my adult life. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for years, the constant in a world of impermanence. I was always told that life was beautiful, poppycock, as far as I was concerned life was a drag, a chore at best. I couldnt even make eye contact with people, I was afraid the second they looked into my eyes they would know I was on the verge of crying and I would see them looking at me, looking at them, looking at me. I needed an escape.
For me it was a wash of late night tv, music and junk food and before I realized it the sun had risen and another day of torment waited before me. Wherever I went, I always had my headphones on, a faltered attempt at blocking out the rest of the world, while delving deeper into my own, the numbing escape that was my life. I wasnt interested in a beautiful sunset, the wind blowing across my face, it had gotten to the point where my depression had become a welcomed guest, a good friend and besides everything was ruined anyway right?
Like so many others I lost myself in tv, closing the door and locking myself in my room for days at a time, a remote in one hand, a bag of chips in the other. Hiding under my blankets, the blur of infomercials blaring in the background at 3am, it was a ephemeral existence at best. I think in someways I was trying to crawl back into the womb, a place that was safe, warm and completely void of light and where I didnt have to deal with the world and all of its problems. A place that I could exist and simply be or in my case, not. The more I indulged the worse I felt and the worse I felt the more I did, the middle path it wasnt. The things that were supposed to make me happy were the very things that were ruining me, because everything I knew and relied on, were in essence, breaking, I was completely and utterly lost.
And here’s where Buddhism enters the fray, here comes along a religion, a philosophy, a way of life (or whatever) and tells me in no uncertain terms that life is suffering, I was just glad someone finally came clean. It’s funny I never understood the first noble truth in a defeatist or nihilistic fashion, just being so, something to be understood and in the same breath let go of. But it had gotten to the point where I could no longer function as a human being, it had gotten to the point where the mundaneness of breathing became unbearable, it was time I saw somebody.
For all the stigma there is about seeing a psychiatrist, it was probably one of the best things I ever did. Low and behold I was diagnosed with major depression and I didnt disagree, welcoming the diagnosis, finally a name to the face. Personally speaking, the use of antidepressants helped me a great deal and were able to get me to a place where I was “good”, but with anything in life I had to meet it halfway, it wasnt a quick fix, and in fact took years of effort to get to a place where I was comfortable, simply being. I’ve heard people say “that you have to live for the moment”, but I finally came to the realization that it wasn’t about living for the moment as much as it was living in it.
- ts
